Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Below The Line

Sometimes, the things I post on here are so spectacularly boring that not one person is moved to leave a comment. I think of these posts as orphans, as poor changeling children staring at an unthinking world wondering what they've done wrong. So when I discovered tonight that a post on this blog- my rant about the housing association which administers my neighbour's flat, which was parochial and inconsequential even by my standards- had, four months on, garnered a reply, I was overjoyed.

Here's the comment:

1 comment:

I'm watching you said...
get a job and stop wanking off your neighbour
Hi, 'I'm watching you'! Thanks for the advice. I have a couple of thoughts about it which I know you'll welcome.

Firstly, that username! C'mon, buddy, you and I know that you mean it in a benevolent, 'got your back' kind of way. But just because we both see you as my guardian angel doesn't, sadly, mean that anyone else will. This is the internet, and tone is very difficult to read. Some people might take 'I'm watching you' as a pathetic attempt to be intimidating and threatening, which I know was the very last thing on your mind.

Now then. You advise that I 'get a job'. Sometimes that's exactly what I want to do, too! The freelance existence can be very up and down, and there are scary times when my phone isn't ringing. Fortunately, that hasn't been the case at all this year. In fact, what with corporate work, voiceovers, writing commissions, producing radio and going to auditions, sometimes I think I might have a few too many jobs to deal with! I just think it would be ill-advised for me to get another job on top of the ones I already have, not to mention that 39 is quite late in life to attempt to acquire a new skill!

The next part is a little confusing to me. You advise me to 'stop wanking off my neighbour'. That's initially confusing as both my neighbours are female and 'wanking off' is more usually used about a man. Maybe it was a slip of the keyboard and you meant 'fingering'? Probably an easy enough mistake to make, especially since I get this funny idea that you haven't yet performed either activity with another human. Anyway, it's rather baffling since I've barely even spoken to my neighbours, so they might be a little surprised if I were to attempt to take things 'to the next level' in the way you suggest.

Given all this, I wonder if you might have been having a go at some 'banter' and maybe even implying that I might be homosexual, which is always very 'jokes', isn't it? If only you'd read the long, ranty post that appears immediately above the one you were moved to comment on (it's below this one, in case you have any trouble with the difference between  'up' and 'down'). In that post I make it quite clear that I find that particular lifestyle so very unembarrassing that I've enthusiastically adopted it myself, so as banter it doesn't really work. Try mentioning weight or baldness in future. I'm much more uncomfortable with those topics so there's every chance you might score a direct hit!

Are you a fan of Hue and Cry at all? They were big in the 80s so may have been before your time. The reason I mention them is that the chorus of their biggest hit, 'Labour of Love' starts with the line 'Gonna withdraw my labour' and the way Pat Kane sings it, it does sound a little bit like 'Gonna wank off my neighbour'. Might it perhaps have been that you were thinking of? If so, I applaud the breadth of your cultural knowledge but it might be slightly too niche a joke to resonate with a wider audience.

Anyway, thanks for your input. But please, please don't feel the need to help me again. I know internet time can be very precious and next time mum and dad leave the parental controls off, it might be a better use of your time to download some music or consume some pornography.

So, toodle pip for now. Keep watching!