I’ve had a brilliant idea. It’s the perfect
solution to something that’s been bothering and upsetting me for a while.
In just under a year, the people of
Scotland will be voting on whether they should become independent. I have
worked in Scotland a lot, and have many beloved Scottish friends on both sides
of the border. I was also born into a country called Britain: it had been like
that for a couple of hundred years. I’ve never seen myself as anything other
than British. If that country is pulled apart, it will pull me apart with it. I’ll
become stateless. I’ll become something called English, which I never signed up
for, and I'm not that keen on, and without anyone even asking me.
So I hope Scotland votes No. But most- not all, but most- of my beloved Scottish friends are going to vote Yes. I don’t think they’re going to do that because they dislike the English. Some Scots will vote Yes for that reason, but I don’t think the majority of Yes-voters will. No, I think those Scottish friends of mine who are going to vote Yes will do so (and break my heart in the process) because they’re sick of being governed by Westminster.
That’s when it struck me. I’m sick of being
governed by Westminster too. I am a grudging member of a party I haven’t
believed in since I was 20, merely because I have decided they’re least worst.
That party is out of government: instead, we’re being governed by a savage and
moronic bunch comprised of the other two parties, a government which is tearing
apart our most treasured national ideals like a bunch of gatecrashers who know
the police have been called. A government which is only in power because three quarters of it is unwillingly/willingly propped up by the other.
If I were Scottish, I’d be so annoyed about
that, because they didn’t vote for those people. Then it struck me: nor did I.
And nor did my city.
So that’s the idea. If Scotland votes for
Independence, I am going to start the LNP like a shot: the London National
Party. We, like most UK cities, tend to go red on Election nights and end up
with a Blue government. If my 5 million brothers and sisters North of Hadrian’s
Wall can escape from that, then so can my 8 million London compadres. (Well,
not quite 8 million, acksh: I’m going have to trim things off after zone 3
because it’s all those Beckenhams and Bromleys and Richmonds whose votes stuck
us with that floppy-haired psychopath. Don’t worry, they won’t mind- they’ll
happily live in Tory England while those of us over the border in Leftie London
celebrate).
Don’t think, by the way, that when I
rejoice in the idea of an independent Left-wing London that I’m necessarily talking about
the Labour Party. They’d have to behave- they learned that in 2000 when they
tried to foist the well-meaning apparatchik Frank Dobson on us and he ended up
losing to a leftier alternative.
And seriously, who would be upset about this? Wales
would soon follow suit and have a nice Plaid (in both senses) government.
Manchester and Liverpool and Leeds and Newcastle would all opt for
independence, I’m sure, if the alternative were to be part of an England made
up only of the True Blue shires. Birmingham's always wavered between L and R, but I'm sure finally becoming capital would sweeten that pill. ‘England’ could have its monarchy and its
tradition and its pound notes and the rest of us would happily make do with
President Izzard, renationalisation of TFL, and nice tax and spend cities with
decent schools and hospitals. And of course Independent Scotland and the People's Republic of London could form a New Auld Alliance that would make Gloucestershire shake in its boots.
So I desperately hope my country doesn’t
get torn apart next year. But if it does, I have a GREAT alternative to being
part of a Forever Tory England. Who’s with me?
