Saturday, 17 May 2014

Open Letter

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Dear John Lyndon Sullivan,



Hello! I’m one of those whatevers you’ve read about. I hope it’s not presumptuous of me to assume that you don’t really know any of us- I just get the feeling you might not. If you’re still determined to be a politician you may end up pretending that some of your best friends are etc etc etc, of course, and without doubt you’ll have met some of us. Maybe you had an unmarried uncle who was quite gentle and fond of baking. Think back.



Anyway, I’m writing to take you up on your kind offer to shoot one of us, so that the other 99 (you may need to re-check your statistics) change their minds over whether the whole gay thing is a matter of genetics or education. I’m happy to be your guinea pig in this fascinating social experiment.



I’m guessing you’d be shooting me in the shoulder or the leg, rather than somewhere actually fatal; for elected (or even non-elected) representatives actually to murder fellow citizens who are innocent of any crime is frowned upon in our namby-pamby liberal society. But even so, it’ll send out a powerful message. If we can get a date, time and location fixed, I’ll try and get as many ‘poofters’ as I can to come and watch you prove your point.



A couple of things you need to know: firstly, I won’t back down. You may have run away with the idea that we’re a sissy, physically cowardly lot. You might assume that I’d turn up, pretend to be ready to take a shot, and then run off and write a musical or press flowers or something. But just think- if I did that, your hypothesis wouldn’t be properly tested! I am committed to this project, and although being shot will doubtless sting a bit, I can’t wait to find if it actually works the way you suggest. The idea of standing there, bleeding from a flesh wound, while so many of my friends instantly demarry, fall out of love with their partners, or just plain stop fancying each other is too fascinating to pass up. And besides, you might be surprised. We’re quite hardy, as a bunch. Some of the things we do to each other for pleasure can be really bloody painful.



Another thing to bear in mind is that you’d be pretty well disposed towards me, if the rest of your party is anything to go by. I’m white, I speak nicely, I pay my taxes, and I’ve never been caught being Romanian. Admittedly, your party also doesn’t want me to get married to a man (and if I saw the error of my ways and got married to a woman, it wouldn’t want her to get any maternity pay should she try and bring forth some more white, nicely-spoken non-Romanians). But once I’m shot, your party will have no worries about me getting free medical treatment. That’s why I’m perfect for your experiment- if you found yourself shooting, say, a Frenchman,  on English soil you’d object to your tax money going towards stopping him from dying. But you can shoot me without any such worries. At least for now; if you shot me in a world where your party were in government and had privatized the NHS, you might have a few worries about whether I could afford to have someone pop a plaster on it.



You should also remember that you will get arrested and probably imprisoned. Your party is a big fan of the rule of law, after all, and we can’t have people shooting each other on the street and getting away with it, even in the name of science.  The law seems to be less important when it comes to corporations, admittedly, but I’ve yet to hear any of your colleagues argue for the total deregulation of, say, theft, or mugging. Well, it’s different, isn’t it?



The last thing I’d like gently to mention is the 1980s. It was in that decade that the whatevers faced up to something a little more dangerous than a wannabe councillor with a shotgun. Millions of us, worldwide, died, and hundreds of thousands of others continue both to die from and to live with a disease which threatened our community more than any law ever had. You may have heard about it- it’s not unique to us, it can happen to anyone, even straight white men. It’s laying waste to the third world even now, with no distinctions of sexual orientation, belief or lifestyle (although you may not be hugely informed about the third world because, you know, kipper and all). Anyway, even when that terrible, desperate nightmare stalked us, even when it briefly looked like it was stalking ONLY us, we didn’t change our minds or our orientations. Quite the opposite. We wrote and we sang and we fought and we protested and above all we loved. We loved, and we carry on loving, and we always will.



So I look forward to the results of your fascinating experiment. My shoulder, your gun, your call.



And once you pull the trigger, you wait and see how the ‘next 99’ react. You might just get a surprise.



Yours, in your sights,



Jon

110 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wonderful wonderful wonderful.

Anonymous said...

Well said sir.

Adam Pain said...

A beautifully articulate, scathingly sarcastic and timely post. I presume you won't receive a response. Just know that, as a straight man with some idea of what is actually right and wrong, I'll be joining the other 99 and fighting against homophobic tyranny wherever I see it.

Best wishes to you,

Adam

Kevin Tanner said...

Absolutely brilliant, I think I love this guy!

Anonymous said...

'We loved, and we carry on loving, and we always will.' Wonderful words for a wonderful community. Loved your letter. I agree with Adam in saying that I'd be there to fight with the other 99 as well. Thank you for finding words for this!

Stephen Long said...

Just plain brilliant

Anonymous said...

Can't wait to read the response!

Anonymous said...

Well said, well said. Anyone who are against LGBT are just wrong - it doesn't hurt anyone to be any one of them.

Kyle Waterworth said...

Brilliant!!!

Misa Buckley said...

Bloody marvellous.

tim said...

Well done mr.. great writing skills too!

delusionsofcandour said...

What an elegant response! Thank you for writing and sharing it.

Anonymous said...

Here here! Extremely well written and makes the point loud and clear - hope you get a response but not a bullet!

Kayla said...

Hmmm... perhaps it should be a duel - after all, the same logic should apply and shooting one "straight" white man should make another 99 change their orientation (maybe it make them change their colour as well), no?

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Unknown said...

Brilliant!

chris t said...

What if us straight blokes all see how cool it is to take a bullet for science and become gay. However i hope this experiment does go ahead cuz apparently all the gay people gave britain shit weather and if you were all straight I could get out in my garden more. .

Bella Fern said...

Absolutely amazing, you're so eloquent, so sarcastic and scathing. There had better be a response (I just hope it's not a bullet)

Anonymous said...

I agree with Kayla. To be truly scientific this needs a control. Perhaps if someone were to shoot the councillor in the shoulder too, to see if that changed the minds of 99 "poofters" about whether sexual orientation is genetic. And he has to be willing to write down his findings and methodology once the experiment has ended. After all, we cannot let mere gunshot wounds deter us from the path of good science.

Galaisms said...

Amazing- thank you

simon said...

Wonderful. Thank you.

Harriete said...

Ha ha. Just loved reading this. Brilliant. I'll be smiling all day.

Grahame Milner said...

Thank you for taking the time to write such a delightful and eloquent reply

Anonymous said...

Amazing. Beautifully written and so funny too. We need more people (and writers) like you.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely brilliant response, well said!

Steve said...

We'll said that man!

Unknown said...

Excellent blog. Please do what you can to get the guy to read it. Facebook him. Email him. Print it out on reams of paper and dump it on his doorstep - all councillors publish their home addresses to my knowledge.
Oh and an antique cigarette case might stop a bullet if positioned opportunely

lorraine abbott said...

Well written response. Got tearful reading this out loud to my partner. It absolutely sickens me that this type of person is still apparent in 21st century society. It angers me that these ignorant bigots even get airspace and newspace. John lyndon sullivan - youre a disgrace to your family and to your country - you make me sick.

Shirley said...

Wonderful. Maybe he could shoot me next and 99 other people will stop being disabled?

Maggie Alderson said...

Elegant. Really elegantly done. xxx

Anonymous said...

Thanks for this!

Looks like John Lyndon Sullivan now has 99 problems. But a bitch ain't one.

XX

Anonymous said...

Amazing. Beautifully written and so funny too. We need more people (and writers) like you.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, and well put

Helen said...

Yep - like all the other commenters - I just fell in love with you xx

Unknown said...

That was so beautifully written and so elegantly makes your point. Thank you.

Stuart Evans said...

Would you mind awfully if myself and pretty much every one I know attended? We wouldn't all fit in to the other '99 people' as most of us are not gay nor care if anyone else is or not. What we don't like is branding swathes of people inferior on the basis of who or how they love. Straight/bi/gay/asexual people pay taxes, serve in the forces, teach, heal the sick, murder, steal, assault etc just as likely as any other human being and I'm pretty sure it's absolutely nothing to do with their sexual or emotional preferences.

Some of us speak gently and are rather fond of baking, but not all of us. Some might assist in a citizen's arrest, some of us may even attempt violent retribution (I really hope not).

Irrespective of what happens we'd really like to be there to represent humanity in general and the common sense in not lumping whole portions of humanity as 'lesser' on account of something so unimportant as to what gets them off.

I enjoyed your words, many thanks.

Anonymous said...

What a brilliant come back to this biggotted moron.

Rob said...

Well said, Jon.

What I want to know is; if I shoot John Lyndon Sullivan, do the 'other 99' UKIP politicians suddenly realise that they homophobic racist bigots and immediately change their views?

Kate Anthony said...

Well said, Sir.

Scott Holmes said...

Everyone who is as outraged about this waste of space of a human being should print out this letter and post it to the aforementioned itiot's home address, which is readily available to anyone with a search engine...

John Lyndon Sullivan
17 Boundary Place
Corse
Gloucestershire
GL19 3RG


Please share this comment with the post above and let's see if you can get a response if we bombard him with letters from people with a correctly functioning moral compass!

Cheryl said...

I'd love to attend but, what with me being a fluffy-brained woman and all, I may see something shiny, rush towards it excitedly and find myself accidentally in the line of fire. If I were shot then 99 other women may rethink the gender they were born into then who would do the cleaning up? I'll just stay at home and think about shoes to be on the safe side.

The truth is out there! said...

His aim isn't very good as he seems to have shot himself in the foot!

Anonymous said...

Wonderful, just wonderful. Thank you for putting what we all feel so perfectly...

Zoe said...

Do you have room for one more straight, white and, frankly, angry (but still not Romanian) woman to stand beside the 99?

Anonymous said...

I am Spartacus. (I know at least 99 others)

Peg said...

Brilliant! Thank you for writing this. I hope it grabs that idiot's attention.

Adam said...

I'm not one of the other 99 but, if I am being honest, if this is how one of the non-whatevers are supposed to think then I might have to become one the moment he shoots you.

Tim Collis said...

A fantastically intelligent and heart warming response to a preposterously ignorant statement. I wonder if he will have the courage to respond?

Well done that man!

A Prone Saint said...

picked him apart with stunning logic...he won't understand,literally,what's hit him.

what will he do next though?

Anonymous said...

Brilliant

Liam the lemming said...

I fear Mr Sullivan has misunderstood the term "magic bullet".

Rumpers Ramblings said...

You are so much more of a man than he JLS will ever be. Great response.

LouG said...

Perfect.

quidnunc said...

I'm a 63 yr old , straight, grandmother and I volunteer to stand next to you and be shot too. Ghastly, ghastly man. Totally unacceptable views.

He'll be hobbling to our event, as I suspect he has discovered by now that he's shot himself in the foot, and that his political career is over.

Tülin said...

Beautiful article. Thank you for representing my feelings too.

Gray said...

Wonderfully written article, and I'm glad to see so many supportive comments. I think you may struggle to narrow it down to only 99 standing with you.

Jesse said...

Thank you very, very much for standing up for the other 99 of us! It's brilliant to know there are people like you out there to combat 'people' like him.

ingrid gabriel said...

my god, you are brilliant. thank you. if you need me to stand next to you, this robust, white, straight, slightly aged girl is ready.

Anonymous said...

I wonder what rock he's been living under to not know that plenty of 'whatevers' have been shot (beaten/lynched/assaulted/murdered/etc.) for being who they are (or suspected to be) and that certainly hasn't changed the 'other 99'.

If it's so easy to choose your sexuality I'd suggest that he try out being gay for a week to show all the poofters how easy it is.

Marika Footring said...

WUNDERBAR!!!

Matt Garrill said...

BUT HE DONE A WINKY FACE AT TEH END SO ITS ALRITE

Anonymous said...

I would join you but being a woman i will be too busy looking for shiney things or doing the dishes. Love the response UKIP are morons

gheathen said...

That brought a huge smile to my face. Wonderfully written.

This 61 year old straight grandmother will be standing with you when you get shot by a kipper, if only I can find a gay black Romanian to escort me.

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't it be best, to learn how to spell idiot, before insulting someone. As you now look like the idiot.

Nikki said...

This straight, white woman will bring the sandwiches. But only for the 99 who have your back. They're clearly the only ones who can appreciate my cooking. Love to you, friend.

Anonymous said...

An eloquent response. At least we know what JLS thinks. How many politicians think like this but but 'adopt' gay friends for the pink vote.

Matt said...

This is brilliant.

As one of the remaining 99, I'd be happy to join in the experiment too. I should warn though that I am alarmingly stubborn and am also becoming increasingly vocal against bigoted morons. So as has already been stated, I *will* keep loving, extra hole in me or not. Fire away!

Great post. Thanks for the amusing read :) x

Liberal Neil said...

I suspect there'll be a fair few folk reading this who don't know you.

This is a fantastic post - really beautiful - well done :-)

Anonymous said...

Such a beautifully written letter, just the perfect amount of irony and sarcasm given a magic sprinkling of fairy dust ! Bravo to the author and thank you to the heterosexual comments, wonderfully witty and help restore my faith in human nature. Love and best wishes to all !

Anonymous said...

Thank you for such a beautiful yet fierce piece of writing.
I shall be printing it and posting to his house tomorrow! I'd love to hear his response...

Emily Davenport said...

This really is a wonderful response to the babblings of a bigoted idiot. Well done, sir. :)

Christine said...

Good call. How wonderfully heroic. Sod cleaning behind the fridge I think I could attend this experiment. Do you mind if my motives are not entirely altruistic. You see if one of the 99 does turn hetero I could get a date out of it, and if they don't I could justifiably punch the UKipper on the nose for telling lies, which is something I have been meaning to do anyway. x

louis said...

Bit worried about all the people who want to be there when you get shot

Anonymous said...

Brilliant!

Anonymous said...

Working in small towns in Gloucestershire, I am happy to confirm this is a very small minority or smug self satisfied individuals who are totally bigoted and strangely feel their particular brand of rudeness or ill informed drivel will change the world . They are a minority and I take great comfort in that fact. when they open their mouths a share some dated view point most people visibly look bored, roll their eyes or say well that is rubbish .That is real progress !
I would like to suggest the following experiment to John Lyndon Sullivan why not take your own advice and why don't you stroll out with some dogs and your copy of country life and stand in the village common and ask ninety nine of your closest minded friends to watch as you are shot and see how perhaps the idea of a bullet might influence their opinions ? Politics is about serving your community is it not?..

Anonymous said...

Thank you for that, it made me laugh and it also brought me to tears!

Anonymous said...

Inspired writing - awesome

Marilyn Davenport said...

I'm a 66 year old, straight, white grandmother that doesn't live in the UK anymore but I will fly in and gladly stand beside you, I can't believe the ignorance of this man!! Well said Sir!!

Laura Schlotel said...

I had to read Sullivan's post twice as it beggars belief in this day and age there are still morons out there spouting this sort of intolerance. I would like to suggest an alternative experiment too. Round up 100 UKIP supporters and shoot one of them and see how many of the remaining 99 decide to change their vote.

Michael McCauley said...

Jon

Reading this makes me want to shoot you... a smile because you have shown how stupid these people are, the only thing that wipes the smile off my face is thinking how many people believe this kind of person is right, but I suppose they are entitled to have their opinion, but I'm keeping mine as I enjoy my life the way I live it, and I hope more people think this way too

Susan Kellett said...

Brilliant! The best ever response to the bigoted ravings of a ukipper! Beautifully written and delightfully scathing.

damsel.in.de.tech said...

I'm a big advocate of making people consider the tangible ramifications of their words. Well-played.

shellg said...

Well said.

Anonymous said...

Beautifully orchestrated in response to what is quite possibly the most ignorant comment ever tweeted, all shrouded in this artificial 'decent chap who enjoys a pint in the pub' sort of way!

Gman said...

Name the date, time and place and I will round up a few supporters from South Africa (one of those third world countries being threatened by "that" disease). Let us show this man our mettle.

Anonymous said...

Let's send the bigot a lovely cake shaped like a rainbow. Who's with me?

Anonymous said...

Pointing out a minuscule spelling error is very intelligent of you, having absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the subject matter.

And you now don't look like a nerd AND an idiot. Not at all

Jakarta Viny said...

I always appreciate a well-written letter. This one is (to co-opt a Britishism) bloody brilliant: perfectly pitched to your ostensible addressee (and thus to the hostile audience composed of thoughtless bigots like him), AND to those of us cheering for you the whole way through.

CieloDesign said...


Ahh bless you, for blasting an ignorant bigot..fantastic letter!! xx

Anonymous said...

Surely there is some hate crime laws he can be reported under?

I mean, if you replaced the word 'poofter' with Jew, Black Person, Muslim... there would be a fucking outrage and his house would be probably be burned down and he'd never hear the end of it!

But let's pick on the gays, coz that's all fine.

Vile man and his vile politics.

Elizabeth Pope said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Elizabeth Pope said...

amazingly wonderful response ~ I will stand with the 99 (and offer a plaster)

IanEG said...

My hat is well and truly off!

Tabs said...

Pure gold ......well said that man.... Brightest Blessings John

Anonymous said...

As a straight white woman I've got your back. Can only hope the cretins testes shrivel and go green!

David said...

Strewth, I look from time to time and you're quiet, and then you come up with one of your characteristically brilliant invectives and - look, 95 comments! Well deserved and well said.

I admire your line on Taragate over on Parterre, too. You point out the rifts in RC's argument - but then so have a few others, equally brililant. Sadly not our doyenne.

Plenty of amusing and deadly accurate attacks on Ukip nonsense on the eve - let's hope Facebook and Twitter (though I don't do them myself) make a difference to the actual voting.

sue said...

very well said from another straight white Non-romanian woman. But then I’m Welsh so maybe I belong in the - “not next door to me” category anyway ��

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Ha ha....brilliant! That Ukip guy is SUCH a major douchebag. What a fucken tosser.

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